What to Expect in Your 40's - Ladies edition.

Men - you can go ahead and read this.  It's very useful information and may help you understand your crazy wife.  And I'm sure being a guy is hard but this one is for the ladies. :)

Back when I was pregnant with my kids, I read the popular book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" followed up by the First Years and so on.  I needed information to get me through those early days.  I had questions.  Lots and lots of questions.  Answers eased my worrying new mama mind  Yes, this was normal.  No, you aren't losing your mind. These books helped.

Then as my kids got older, I read about the toddler years and the teen years.  I went to Mops and Hearts at Home.  I got information about raising my kids and having a great marriage.  Blogs and Vlogs became a thing and information was only a google search away.  In this day and age, I feel like sometimes we have TOO much information! 

Now that I'm in my 40's (41 to be exact), I feel like I'm discovering things that I wish I would have known.  I mean, come on, there's books for everything else, and maybe there is a book out there about this, but I haven't found a good one yet. So, as a service to all my lady friends, I'm here to warn you about a few things.  Maybe you've already experienced some of this.  Maybe you know more of the horror that awaits me.  But either way, I thought this list would prepare you just incase.  It's also important to know that this was all prompted by the acne breakout that happened to my chin today and a few snapchats among friends. 

So here are a few "highlights" you can expect in your 40's...

1. Facial hair...if you think you don't have it, you're wrong.  You just need a teenage daughter to point it out to you.  Also, invest in car tweezers now.  You're welcome. 

2. Acne....seriously, I have worse breakouts now than when I hit puberty.  And as my good friend pointed out, acne and chin hair on the same day is not funny at all.

3. Body parts...you still have them, they are just in different (lower) places.

4. You make noise getting out of bed in the morning.  Not chipper, happy noises, more like groans that you don't even realize are coming out of your mouth until your spouse also does it and then you are both laughing that you have to groan to get up.

5. Wrinkles.  Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, look in the magnifying mirrors while walking past them in Bed, Bath and Beyond.  And if you own one, just throw it away.  No one, including you, need to see that close.  (unless you need it for plucking said facial hair)  I also have wrinkles on my hands which just seems old lady-ish to me. 

6. Eyesight - it's gonna go.  Just go ahead and grab a pair of readers now.

7. Hot flashes...I haven't had these yet but it seems like my internal thermometer is way off.  I get hot and I'm like "Oh my gosh, is this it?  Am I having a hot flash, why am I so hot all of a sudden?"  And then I'm fine.  What is that all about?  And I freeze when I go to the grocery store.  I don't even know who I am anymore. 

8. Clothing....you're too old for Forever 21 but is there a store that caters to middle age moms that want to look hip and cool but not have their (now lower) parts show?  Please let me know. I mean, I like a little stretch in my jeans to get them to button, but I don't like it to look like a pooped my pants by the end of the day either.  And distressed jeans stress me out because I can't put my legs in them without my foot coming out through one of the distressed areas and then I almost rip the whole leg off the pants trying to get it out.  Getting dressed should not be an aerobic workout. 

9. Sleep.  I love my sleep.  I've never had a problem sleeping until the last year or so.  I must wake up 10 times a night.  What is that about?  Do you not sleep when you get old?  I need my sleep! 

10. Time....all aspects of it.  There's not enough of it and it's going really fast.  What seems like 5 minutes ago was actually 5 months ago.  Your bedtime is now before your teenage kids and you can't sleep in like you used to.  

11.  Eating...I seriously have to think about what I'm going to eat now in conjunction with bed time, how I'm going to feel, will my rosacea flare up, will I get heart burn?  I just want some Doritos before bed without having to eat Tums in the night and looking like my face is sunburnt the next day. Is that too much to ask?

12. Emotions.  Can we say train wreck?  I'm used to the normal PMS type emotional roller coaster but this seems to be the steroid version.  Wowza. At my last check up my doctor asked if I had any premenopausal symptoms yet.  Um, excuse me?  What?  I'm only 41.  Doesn't that happen much later in life?  I still have teenagers, we can't all be going through these crazy hormonal changes at the same time.  My husband won't survive!  I won't survive.  Send chocolate.  Stat. 

13. Is this normal?  I feel like I have more weird ailments that I worry about now. Is this mole normal, is this brown spot getting bigger, did I have that bump last week, what is that cracking noise when I walk?  WebMd is not helpful because I obviously always go to worst case scenario.  

14.  Peeing.  Did you know that urinary incontinence is really common in women?  Like really common!  Because apparently carrying and birthing babies, breastfeeding and having a period for 30 plus years isn't enough, let's throw in peeing your pants.  I haven't had this problem...yet.  But I have to pee all the time now.  And if I sneeze more than 4 times in a row, I may have problems.  I watch a personal trainer on YouTube and he mentioned that most women can't do jumping jacks after a certain age because they pee their pants.  So ladies, if you can sneeze or do jumping jacks and not wet yourself, you deserve a pat on the back!  I also now have to think about how much I can drink if I'm going to be in the car and if there is an acceptable bathroom where I'm going. 

15.  People call you Ma'am now.  I know it's polite but it makes me feel like an old lady.  I prefer Miss or Hey Lady or really anything but Ma'am.  And you find yourself talking about a 20 year old and refering to them as a kid or young punk. 

16. I have to think about my footwear if I'm going to be out and about for the day.  Because apparently comfort trumps style now.

17.  I'm at the age that I say "out and about". 

18. Technology is beyond me.  I'm now the old lady that can't watch TV when her son or husband isn't home because I don't know how to work the remote.  And I don't want to learn. My kids try and teach me and get annoyed.  

19.  Change.  I don't like it.  The older you get, the harder change gets.  I'm not good with change to begin with but as I'm hit my 40's, I really don't like it.  I mean, this is pretty obvious if I can't even learn a new remote. 

20. Acceptance.  Ending the list with something good about being in my 40's.  Acceptance.  As I've gotten older, I've gotten more accepting of myself, my flaws, being happy where I'm at and what I'm doing and just really not worrying about the small stuff.  I mean, if I have to worry about possibly peeing my pants, do I really have time to worry about whether everyone likes me.  Probably not.  

I'm hoping this list gave you a laugh and didn't scare you too much!  It's all about being prepared.  I'm pretty lucky that I have some amazing girlfriends to go through this with.  One great thing about being 41 is that we are all comfortable in our own skin and can laugh about chin hair and acne.  Or maybe we are laughing so we don't cry?  Either way, go buy some readers and be ready!

20 years later....

Today is our 20 year wedding anniversary.  I'd love to say that we are jetting off on that honeymoon we never took but instead I'll be taking a kid to football practice while my husband teaches a night class.  We will see each other tonight around 8:30 for leftovers.  I'm okay with that because this is the phase we are in right now.  Looking at that picture above of those two young punks, I have so many things I want to tell them.  We were only 18, totally smitten with each other and thought we knew everything.  I mean, if he could love me with that rockin' mullet, we'd pretty much passed the worst hurdle, right?  As we stood in my mom's kitchen that day, we had just both come home for the weekend, me from ISU and RJ from College of DuPage.  He was playing football there so he'd been gone most of the summer.  We were so happy to see each other.  Now that we are passing the 20 year mark, I feel like I need to tell our 18 year old selves so many things.

Marriage is not all it's cracked up to be.  It's messy and ugly and different for every couple.  Luckily, our's is pretty great.  RJ told the kids a while back that marriage is "just two people that continue to choose each other every day".  I agree with that.

I would tell those two kids that it's going to be hard but it's going to be worth it.  I'd tell them there are days you are going to be broke, eating burnt Aldi pizza, but you are in this together.  I'd tell my 18 year old self to take a long look at his dad because he's going to be just like him...and have a son just like that.  (I lucked out on those!)

I'd tell her to always have snacks, especially on road trips because hangry isn't a good look on either of us.  I'd tell him to invest in a C-Pap machine early in the marriage because I need a lot of sleep.  I'd remind her never to eat off his plate because he doesn't share food. Wait until you have a daughter who likes to share meals.  And I'd tell him that she would be able to order for him at every single restaurant because he's very predictable.  I'd also let her know that the camping days won't last forever and all the bad words that were said while setting up the camper would be replaced with fun memories.

I'd tell those 18 year olds that they were young and needed to stay in college because when they were 40, they'd be tired and busy.  I'd tell them that there are days they really aren't going to like each other, but they will keep loving each other....and will like each other again shortly.  But mostly I'd tell them that hey - you got this!  You are gonna be fine.  You are gonna have an amazing family together.   Just keep choosing each other every single day.

So happy 20th babe, thanks for choosing me all those years ago!
Also, thanks for the flowers that just arrived while I was typing this!